01/27/01

Percy said the paternity tests they do today are scientifically sound and there was no reason for me to doubt the one done through the court that established Rocky as Moo-Shoo's father, but I still wasn’t so convinced by it all. Percy suggested if I wanted to put all doubts to rest I should get a DNA kit and take a swab from Mooky’s mouth and send it out to get a second result. Percy said that the Y chromosome that makes a male a male comes only from the male line, and the gene sequence is usually identical between father and son or even grandfather and grandson. So I gathered a sample when I took Mooky to the jail to visit Rocky at Christmas. I sent the sample off to a genealogy testing labs along with my own sample to see if Mooky has the same gene sequence as me. Well, I got the results from the test today and it says me and Mooky have the exact same 32 marker sequence. But I’m awfully perplexed by what I’m reading about our sequence being an E3B haplotype. This must be some kind of mistake because from what I’m reading about the E3B haplotype, it originates from Africa. I think what happened was they accidentally put my sample aside and analyzed Mooky’s sample twice or something. . .

On the web just now it says that E3b is observed in moderate amounts in all Jewish groups worldwide. This includes the Askenazi, Sephardic, Kurdish, Yemeni, Samaritan and Dierba groups. They say this pretty much proves E3b was part of the genetic makeup of some of the earliest Jews, that’s why E3b spread out in all the places Jews ended up spreading out into in time. . .

On the phone with Percy just now the lousy Peckerhead says he doesn’t think E3B is a mistake at all. He said he always suspected I was from a Sephardic family driven into France after the Spanish Inquisition and forced to convert to Christianity at some point.

He said, that’s why you look so much like Ted Koppel.

Ted Koppel! Where the fuck did he ever get that idea? The Peckerhead!

He said if it makes you feel any better, I have Sephardic origin too. Where do you think the name Tobiassen comes from? It’s not Dutch, it’s Spanish. It Sephardic. The Tobiases took refuge in Holland from the Iberian Peninsula, just like to Roosa and probably the Roosevelts too.

I ask, You E3b too?

He says, well no, I’m not, but I’m from a Sephardic family that went Christian at some point just like you.

I say, So what the hell Haplotype are you?

He says, R1B

I say, That Middle Eastern or something?

He says, Well, no. . .it’s kind of Celtic actually. It’s what most Irish people are, but it’s Sephardic too. It’s one of the bloodline of early Europeans who converted to Judaism--- or who raped Jewish women--- one or the other. You have the real deal Jewish genes, though, son of Abraham and all that.

So I’m the son of Abraham and Percy’s the Irishman? Boy oh boy, I don’t think I could be walloped harder over the head.

Good fucking gracious.

I have to find some fucking alcohol.