Went to work for Swami today on his archeology site on Montgomery Street. I feel so much better terming it an archeology site for some reason rather than an ancient shit-filled outhouse shaft. On the way through town I thought I saw the Mafia guy following me again but then he just sort of vanished. Whether he’s real or made up in my mind he’s creepy as all hell. Swami made a comment at some point that I looked stressed out. I said placing myself in direct contact with the excrement of people who lived in a different century sometimes does that to me. I didn’t mention I was facing a violation of probation. Last thing in the world I would ever do is share my problems with that asshole. Wait, that’s right, he’s my psychiatrist. Anyway, I was digging slowly. I was being paid by the hour, after all. Swami was standing over me anxiously awaiting treasure to emerge. Curious fucker. First bottle I found was about two feet down. I broke the neck off with the shovel. Swami made me know that was most lamentable. Very very lamentable. I’m thinking use the word fuck for once asshole. I told Swami seems to date only to the early 1900’s.
This wasn’t George Washington’s shit hole, that’s for sure. Maybe Geraldine Ferraro’s father.
I tried to instruct Swami on the local Revolutionary War history. Of course he knew of George Washington’s headquarters in Newburgh, but he seemed ignorant on most everything else that happened around here during the war.
George turned down being King of America not far from here.
Oh.
I told him Montgomery Street was named for General Richard Montgomery, the first national hero of America, who died in the Battle of Quebec. He said he never knew.
When I travel around Newburgh, Swami says, I can’t help but think how this place provided the literary foundation for one of the most accomplished writers the world has ever known. I so admire that man!
I have to say I was stumped: You mean Edgar Allan Poe? That was down the river though. He wasn’t here. He was thrown out of West Point.
No, no, I’m referring to James Patterson!
And then Swami does this spider imitation with his fingers on my neck with this creepy laugh.
You know: Along Came a Spider! They just came out with the movie!
Now I know how Percy feels. Now I’m fucking Squidward.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
4/9/01
Reported to Cupid Boy this morning, got a kick in the gut from the fucker. He informed me he was filing a petition in court alleging I violated the terms of my probation.
I protested of course, asked, How on Earth did I do that?
Stupid Boy rattles off a litany of items:
Well, let see, you violated the stay away distance requirement on the order involving your assault victim. You continue to possess firearms by fraudulently claiming they’re your wife’s now. You travelled outside the county more than 50 miles without permission. You failed to report to the office that same day! Let me stop, OK, before your direct admission to me to littering adjacent to a protected wetland!
That boy needs to find a new fucking girlfriend!
I’m holding out hope maybe the asshole is bluffing. He goes forward, he knows I can come back at him with his dirt with Cupcake and her fucking RV parked on my farm. Of course nowadays some people delight in having their dirty laundry aired in public. He could just say So What? I’m just thinking I have to get that fucking trailer off the place. Next thing he’ll say I’m selling drugs out of the thing, or using it to pimp out Cupcake or some other crazy ass thing.
Anyway, here’s a stupid thing that came into my head as a distraction:
No Farms, No Food
No Food, No Farts
No Farts, No Fools
No Fools, No Fun
I’ll have more time to work on it later. . .when I’m locked up in fucking jail!
I protested of course, asked, How on Earth did I do that?
Stupid Boy rattles off a litany of items:
Well, let see, you violated the stay away distance requirement on the order involving your assault victim. You continue to possess firearms by fraudulently claiming they’re your wife’s now. You travelled outside the county more than 50 miles without permission. You failed to report to the office that same day! Let me stop, OK, before your direct admission to me to littering adjacent to a protected wetland!
That boy needs to find a new fucking girlfriend!
I’m holding out hope maybe the asshole is bluffing. He goes forward, he knows I can come back at him with his dirt with Cupcake and her fucking RV parked on my farm. Of course nowadays some people delight in having their dirty laundry aired in public. He could just say So What? I’m just thinking I have to get that fucking trailer off the place. Next thing he’ll say I’m selling drugs out of the thing, or using it to pimp out Cupcake or some other crazy ass thing.
Anyway, here’s a stupid thing that came into my head as a distraction:
No Farms, No Food
No Food, No Farts
No Farts, No Fools
No Fools, No Fun
I’ll have more time to work on it later. . .when I’m locked up in fucking jail!
4/8/01
Swami Hard Salami told me a while back that “proximity is the biggest force to be contemplated when it comes to settling on a partner for fornication.” Yeah, that’s kinda interesting since I learn now his wife has been staying in India apart from him for like the last year!
I insulted the shit out of him today: Marital problems, Dr. Hardik?
Of course not! That is most impertinent! You should remember that modern electronic amenities make it possible to maintain high levels of sexual intimacy with a spouse, even at terrific distances!
So that was great. For the next hour working I had this picture of Swami jacking off in front of his webcam chanting oooh-baby to the little lady back in Delhi.
Phebe wasn’t happy I declined to go to church with her and the baby this morning. She said she’s worried about the baby growing up without a father or God, said I wasn’t doing much to help. I said let’s pray for a way to spring Rocky from jail then.
I’m such a dumb fucking heathen asshole.
I insulted the shit out of him today: Marital problems, Dr. Hardik?
Of course not! That is most impertinent! You should remember that modern electronic amenities make it possible to maintain high levels of sexual intimacy with a spouse, even at terrific distances!
So that was great. For the next hour working I had this picture of Swami jacking off in front of his webcam chanting oooh-baby to the little lady back in Delhi.
Phebe wasn’t happy I declined to go to church with her and the baby this morning. She said she’s worried about the baby growing up without a father or God, said I wasn’t doing much to help. I said let’s pray for a way to spring Rocky from jail then.
I’m such a dumb fucking heathen asshole.
4/7/01
Met Swami Hard Salami at his property along the river on Montgomery St. this morning.
Before we start our excavation we need to consider preparations, he says, we should take assiduous care to screen off our treasure-hunting activity from surrounding residents. This must be the most super secret of endeavors!
Your ass is paying me by the hour I think you can take all the assiduous care preparing for the super secret endeavors you want!
Here is an itinerary I have taken the liberty to prepare for you: First, you shall commence to my property on Lander Street, load the abandoned belongings from the first floor unit into your vehicle. Secondly, you shall commence with said vehicle to the municipal solid waste management facility to deposit said abandoned belongings aka DUMP. Thirdly, you shall travel to the lumber yard where you shall purchase a lock, a gate, 7 panels of privacy fencing and a requisite number of posts. You shall then return here and use these listed materials to build a surrounding privacy screen and security zone to the excavation. This structure built will of course conform in every manner with convention and good taste.
Thought to say to Swami ‘I ain’t like Hill Country Cornelia--- I ain’t no transvestite and I ain’t no carpenter neither!’
I wish you’d go on a bit more Dr. Hardik with your itinerary. Maybe you could commence to a sixthly and seventhly step to flesh out more exactly the ‘conforming with convention and good taste’ part!
Anyway, by the time the afternoon rolled around I was just starting to dig the holes for the posts. Too tired and filthy for Cricket practice. I blew it off. Maybe if Phebe takes the baby to church tomorrow morning I can get freed up to resume the steps of my itinerary of frickin assiduous preparation for the shit-digging.
I’m thinking you have to be an asshole to use the word assiduous. That’s why the prefix of the word is ass.
Before we start our excavation we need to consider preparations, he says, we should take assiduous care to screen off our treasure-hunting activity from surrounding residents. This must be the most super secret of endeavors!
Your ass is paying me by the hour I think you can take all the assiduous care preparing for the super secret endeavors you want!
Here is an itinerary I have taken the liberty to prepare for you: First, you shall commence to my property on Lander Street, load the abandoned belongings from the first floor unit into your vehicle. Secondly, you shall commence with said vehicle to the municipal solid waste management facility to deposit said abandoned belongings aka DUMP. Thirdly, you shall travel to the lumber yard where you shall purchase a lock, a gate, 7 panels of privacy fencing and a requisite number of posts. You shall then return here and use these listed materials to build a surrounding privacy screen and security zone to the excavation. This structure built will of course conform in every manner with convention and good taste.
Thought to say to Swami ‘I ain’t like Hill Country Cornelia--- I ain’t no transvestite and I ain’t no carpenter neither!’
I wish you’d go on a bit more Dr. Hardik with your itinerary. Maybe you could commence to a sixthly and seventhly step to flesh out more exactly the ‘conforming with convention and good taste’ part!
Anyway, by the time the afternoon rolled around I was just starting to dig the holes for the posts. Too tired and filthy for Cricket practice. I blew it off. Maybe if Phebe takes the baby to church tomorrow morning I can get freed up to resume the steps of my itinerary of frickin assiduous preparation for the shit-digging.
I’m thinking you have to be an asshole to use the word assiduous. That’s why the prefix of the word is ass.
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