02/14/01

Got a visit from a new probation officer today. Was told Barbie was on indefinite leave. Guy said he couldn’t disclose anything more about her. I ask the guy if I was in trouble. He says I don’t know, why don’t you tell me if you are.

Stupid me I thought I was busted for being spotted in the sporting goods store in proximity to guns yesterday.

I say I was just at Thruway Market to look at the fishing poles.

He just stared at me for a few seconds like I was a fucking idiot, then says, fishing poles? What?

Guy says---guys name is Bob I think---we’ve received word you were observed in your victim’s neighborhood recently, 1,010 feet from his property line in fact. You put yourself 10 feet between jail and freedom.

I reply my beagle got out and was humping the neighbor’s fluff dog. I’m pretty sure the lady regarded it as an emergency. She sure seemed happy to have me there to pull my dog off and haul it away. I guess me and rascal were both sort of caught up in the moment. 10 feet to spare, huh? I was figuring it more like 15 to 20.

I don’t think the guy believed me, but I said from planting crops all these years I can judge distances pretty accurately and I was pretty confident I wasn’t violating the order of protection even though I knew I was coming close to it.

If an order says a 1,000 feet, you should be thinking 2,000 feet, he says

I’m just thinking to myself, why didn’t the fucking judge order 2,000 feet then?

Guy starts looking around the farm in every direction, then says, hey, you wouldn’t have disposed of a dead deer on your property recently, would you have?

No, not at all, I reply.

Because someone told me you did, he says

Well that just not true, I answer.

He says, you sure?

I say, damn so!

In fact I dropped Barbie’s dead deer off at Taciturn Vern’s so he could take the hide off it. The rest of the carcasses he usually renders for his dogs. The deer was never disposed on my property.

I think I’ll call my new probation officer Cupid Boy, as he unexpectedly descended upon my world from on high today seemingly just to shoot arrows in my ass.