02/27/01

Well, I didn’t make it in to see Cupid Boy until late in the day. I had to call him and tell him I was being detained by police. Here’s how I would write my part of the transcript from their visit to the farm:

I found the dog injured right over there. . .

No, I’m not exactly sure what happened to him. . .

Yeah, I guess the injury could have been from a gunshot. . .

Hell, no! I didn’t shoot it!

Yes, you’re right, I don’t have livestock to protect anymore.

Yes, you’re right, there’s no reason for me to shoot a dog.

Aside from my own, yeah, I love dogs.

Of course that’s sarcasm.

You don’t have to tell me convicted felons can’t have guns. I know that!

I’m telling you, I don’t know exactly what happened to him!

Whattah yah mean: ‘what does that mean when you say exactly?’

I’m not trying to be disrespectful. Where you gettin that from?

I can’t ask a police officer a question?

That’s not being disrespectful. That’s exercising my civic---

No, I don’t think that would be a good idea to go down to the station.

No, I haven’t been drinking this morning.

No, I haven’t been doing that either.

Look, I haven’t done anything wrong here! I found an injured dog and brought it to it’s owner---

I know I was 1,000 feet from the residence. I was saving someone’s pet that was bleeding to death! You want to send me to jail for that, you go ahead. I’ll take my chances with the jury.

How is that having an attitude problem?

I don’t know for certain who shot it, OK. I certainly didn’t shoot it. Because I don’t own guns anymore. Impossible!

What do you mean when I use words like ‘impossible’ you get even more suspicious?

Why would I try to save a dog I was shooting for sport? That theory is asinine.

It was about then that Tommy New Yawka strolled over from the Colonial and confessed to taking an overly-hasty, out-of-season shot at what he thought was a coyote. The cops didn’t want to believe him though. They tried to say Tommy was just taking the fall for me as a good neighbor because Tommy knew I might face jail.

Both Tommy and I gave sworn statements as to what happened. I’m not sure what will happen next. We were told the matter was still under investigation. Maybe it’ll be me who gets arrested. Maybe it’ll be Tommy. Maybe it’ll be both of us. Cupid Boy says a violation of probation could be filed based on my admission that I neared too close to that punk kid’s house, the one that I caught spray painting graffiti on my silo that I beat the shit out of.

Damn I really hate the fucking suburbs!